Marriage First
I often hear parents say that “the kids come first” and while this sentiment is lovely in a way, I’m not sure that the philosophy is actually right. Of course there are many times as mums when we have to put aside our own desires to attend to our kids. There’s a lot of sacrificial love involved in becoming a parent! But I don’t think the kids should always come first. I think the marriage should.
My husband and I are not hugely into Valentine’s Day, though we did give each other a little something. On this day though, I am reminded of the importance of celebrating our relationship. Not as co-parents, but as a married couple. We were together long before the kids came along, and we plan on being together long after they have flown the nest. It’s so important to acknowledge the significance of that relationship, especially in the very consuming early years of parenting.
It’s also good to do it in front of the kids. They need to know that Mummy and Daddy love each other – a lot. They need see that we prioritise time together. They regularly need to hear, “No, I’m sorry. This is Mum and Dad’s time right now. We’ll be with you in ten minutes.” Prioritising the marriage benefits everyone. Mum and Dad grow together (instead of apart, as sadly often happens) and the kids get to see what a real, loving relationship looks like. They see that it takes time, effort and commitment. They also get to see Mum and Dad hanging out together and being friends.
I know that all sounds a bit idealistic, but in a day and age when few marriages make it – don’t you want to give yours the best chance? I want happily ever after, and I’m willing to work to make it happen.
Do you struggle to put your relationship with your spouse/partner first now that kids are in the picture? How do you prioritise your marriage, especially in front of the kids…?
Sometimes no matter how hard we work at it, it is not enough. Both parties have to make the effort. When you are the one doing everything for everyone it is easy to burn out.
I wanted happily ever after too. But in the end you need to know when to call it a day. I need happy now to live ever after.
So at the moment for our kids I am living with a bastard, who has emotionally shattered me. I can not afford to live here without him and cant quite afford to move until I go back to work.
I wish life was all roses and kissy cards but sadly its not.
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funny just looking above, I so need to change my picture.
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Nicole I’m sorry that your heart is heavy this Valentine’s Day. If indeed your marriage is over, you will still always be co-parents of your two gorgeous kids – so I hope you find a way to move forward with integrity. Thinking of you.
Thought this comment from facebook was so good it was worth copying here…
Kirsty Stewart (via FB)
So true! As Dr Phil says “We don’t join our kids lives, they join ours”
Hi Cath,
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been blogging about marriage in Feb and I’ve learnt so much through books I’ve been reading and comments I’ve received. I have a lot to change!
Re: prioritising time – we try to do daily “couch time” – 10 mins when my husband gets home from work where we have a cup of coffee together and chat about our day. This is becoming more difficult with an attention-seeking (and irresistable) almost 2 year old interrupting. She is slowly learning that she will have daddy’s attention for the rest of the night AFTER daddy gives mummy just 10 minutes. It is good for kids to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
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Cath absolutely agree with you.
Nicole, I’m sorry too that your situation is difficult right now xox
Narelle Nettelbeck´s last blog ..Give-away Winner!
Oh Cath, what a juggling act this is – time for kids, time for self, time for partnership. I think you go through stages when it is easier and stages when it is harder to find time to dedicate to just being a couple. I think the key is to keep the lines of communication open, even when time to be alone together is at a premium. And I think physical touch is important, not in a sexual way but as a reassurance, a physical connection.
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Posting a few other fb comments here too:
Meri Carins (via fb)
Cath you have expressed this so well. Not always easy to put into action – but absolutely critical for our marriages. Yes – you’re right – we have to work to make it happen- and I can tell you it’s well worth it – especially when you get to our stage …. with the kids leaving the nest.
Gwenda McKinney (via fb)
My grandmother (who raised 8 children!) gave me the best advice when I told her I was pregnant with Joshua – Always remember “Children are an addition to the household, not the centre of the household”.
I agree 100% with you Cath. Geoff and I left our 5 sons at home and had a weekend away by ourselves. We try to do this at leat twice a year. I know this is not always possible when you have small children , but I would encourage every couple to find a way to have at least a “date night” regularly. Leave the kids with Grandma overnight and have a “date night” at home. Cost = zero. Some of our best dates have been at home. It is well worth making the effort.
100% agree with this Cath. The thing is, if you put your relationship with each other first, then that is actually best for the children anyway. What is more nurturing and secure for children than having parents who love each other? I always remember this quote from the Minister who married Matt and I: “Be the Lover of the Mother of your children.”
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Cath – I agree with all you say. Great post. I saw a woman interviewed on Oprah some years back (apologies – I cannot remember her name) who had written a very prominent piece in the New York times stating that in her family she put her marriage and relationship first before her children. The poor woman had been absolutely lynched upon writing it and the venom directed toward her from the audience members was amazing with the overwhelming sentiment being she was a ‘bad mother.’
As a counsellor/family therapist, so often I see examples of where previously loving, married couples have practically thrown away their relationship to constantly wait on and tend to the needs of their children first. This is only sustainable for so long, until eventually one or both of the couple feels unsastisfied and taken for granted.
Husband/Wife come first – nurturing and loving themselves to which in turn they will be a better, more giving and patient Dad/Mum.
[...] I love SquiggleMums recent post, Marriage First [...]
We encourage many of the parents we work with in disability to make sure they look after themselves and their relationships. And also the siblings!
Great post. I definitely agree with this, although, as you say, it can be difficult at times. My husband and I have struggled a little at times since our little girl was born, but it comes down to communication and making the effort. So cliche, but so true.
And the best gift I can give my daughter is a happy household and an example of a great relationship.
Megan at Writing Out Loud´s last blog ..Do You Want To Save Your Change?
You’ve said it all so well Cath. Kids need to see what a healthly relationship looks like.
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Well, my partner and I include our 4 yr old daughter in our celebrations. I don’t think it has to be either/or necessarily.
She comes and celebrates our anniversary with us at the restaurant and yesterday Charlotte chose and gave the flowers to me for Valentines Day.
That works for both my partner and me. I do, however need to schedule more time with just Peter, but we’re quite laid back about this.
I waited a long time to be a Mum and can’t have anymore, so at such a young age, She deserves a fair bit of our attention. Don’t worry, Charlotte knows when ‘Daddy and I are having a conversation right now’ for instance. It’s a tricky thing to balance, but each family works differently.
Christine
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Hi Cath – couldn’t agree more. My husband has a favourite quote: “The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother!”
Awww….
Happily ever after won’t always come easy that’s for sure. Thanks Cath for the reminder to pursue our friendship more……and get back into “us time” and date nights again.
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It’s a juggling act, all of it. That said, my husband and I work hard at loving each other. The reality is my children will (hopefully) grow up and move away but he is my life partner. I don’t want to wake up beside a stranger one day. So we try to getaway just the 2 of us a couple of times a year and we work on not taking each other for granted. I adore my children passionately, but he comes first.
To be honest, I don’t think we’ve really decided yet. I’ve heard Dr Phil (oh yes, I’m going there, I do quote him from time to time exposing my secret reality tv shame) that children are just on loan (until they leave the nest).
And while I think it’s important to spend time as a married couple and not just relate to one another as co-parents, I also think that with having a young child, her needs can’t always wait. She doesn’t necessarily have the capacity, because she’s not even two, whereas my husband is an adult (most of the time).
So if we were planning a romantic evening and she’s having a rough night, well she comes first. But just because I’m attending to her needs doesn’t mean I’m ignoring my husband – that’s what he wants too.
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Hi Cath,
I loved what you wrote. I live in a blended family and to try and achieve my desire for our marriage to come first is paramount for me. I believe that the marriage is the foundation of the family and from a strong marriage will flow a happy family.
However, given that two of the three children in my household are only here 50% of the time, it makes it difficult for my husband to have any time for his wife. he wants to maximise the time he gets with the two daughters he only has custody of every other week and therefore I feel like I am a part-time wife.
I am interested in connecting with other mums who live in a blended family so as to develop a network of sounding boards and sanity checking friends. So if there is any one out there who feels they are struggling with a blended family life style, please say hi.
[...] We read about this in a couple of books. Every evening when Matt first gets home from school (unless it is really late), we make a cup of coffee, sit down (sometimes on the “couch”, or wherever really) and have a chat about our day for 10 minutes or so. It is a good habit to get into to “connect” each evening, and also to model to our children that we prioritise our relationship with each other. {Squigglemum had a great post about this a few months ago.} [...]