First Taste of Guilt
We had a little, um, “incident” at an indoor play centre this week.
Accidents can happen easily at those centres, so before I let my three year old loose on the equipment I pointed out a few hazards to her. In particular, I cautioned her about hanging too long at the bottom of the speedy slides.
As it turned out, she was the one who crashed into another child at the slide’s end. The other child wasn’t hurt, but went off in tears to find her mother as children do. I reassured my daughter that it was just an accident, but that she needed to go and apologise. I sent her off to the teary child and watched from a short distance with my one year old. But as I observed my daughter’s body language, a sinking feeling came over me. She wasn’t apologising – she was scolding the other child!!
My daughter went off to play and I sheepishly approached the other mum, who was suitably unimpressed and confirmed my suspicions. My daughter had told the other child she shouldn’t have been stopped at the bottom of the slide and she had better watch out next time or she’d be crashed into again. *Sigh* I went to find my daughter, then marched her back to apologise properly. I was cross at my daughter and embarrassed for myself.
I wasn’t cross about the accident. In a way I knew that I couldn’t be too cross at my child for what she had said either, because she had only repeated what I had modelled to her. I was just cross that instead of admitting her own part in the accident she pointed the finger of blame at someone else.
My daughter was unusually quiet in the car on the way home. I was so busy processing all of this that it was a while before I noticed she hadn’t said anything. Not a word. I caught her reflection in the rearview mirror and realised that she was processing too – and she felt bad about it. For a moment I wished I could take away that feeling. Guilt sits so heavily in the pit of your stomach. But taking away that feeling wouldn’t do her any favours. Her little moral compass is just beginning to develop. So we talked about it a bit more, said a prayer about it, and then I encouraged her to let it go.
I want her to know that an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach usually means you’ve made a bad choice. Perhaps as importantly, I want her to know that mistakes can be fixed, that we all live and learn, and that guilt doesn’t have to linger.
It’s so hard to watch our children learning things the hard way isn’t it? Guilt is a heavy burden to bare but I think you’ve taught her how to handle it well.
Blessings
xox
.-= Narelle Nettelbeck´s last blog ..Teaching our Kids About God =-.
From Facebook:
Claudette Betterridge:
Fantastic story Cath – what a great learning experience for everyone. Children can teach us such a lot – if only we are prepared to listen. I hope the other child and mother also took something away from it!
Dawn Logan:
It happens to every mother and every child. As long as they learn from it, nothing else matters. It’s all part of growing for mother and child.
You captured so well how I feel about my own kids when I know they’re feeling bad about something. Especially my 5yr old. He worries about things more than the other two do (a 7yr old and a 2yr old). He probably has the better sense of what’s wrong and what’s right. But anyway, I can often see in their faces when they’re feeling guilty or worrying about something and I really feel for them.
Oh darn it. You’ve made me miss them now. (They’re at school & daycare 2day.)
But I’m sure I’ll manage!
Great post.
.-= Jodie at Mummy Mayhem´s last blog ..Holy Pants! The X-Files? =-.
You know, I’m betting both kids learned something out of it.
I am sure it was worth the heaviness in the pit of the stomach. Learning healthy “shame” is such an important thing, even if we might feel a little “guilty” about teaching it. As you said… it is about a moral compass. And it is an important preventer (if I can put it that way
) of things like bullying in the future.
God chastens those he loves … and He really knows how to love
I had a laugh to myself on this one. The same thing would happen with my girls because we have what we call an “own stupid fault rule.” If they have been told and told not to sit at the bottom of the slide, then go ahead and get kicked because they are… well no sympathy. But as you say, the only problem with that is that they then extrapolate and apply it to everyone!
Oops.
Still, getting a 3 year old to appologise is a feat in itself, so at least you’re off to a good start.
xx SKM
That’s such a hard lesson to learn.. it’s so true though. As much as I also don’t want my children to experience unpleasant emotions, it really is part of growing and learning. Unfortunately
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.-= Joni´s last blog ..The Wonderful Comfort of a Child… =-.
Wow you actually followed up… you went and spoke to the mother, that is a rare rare thing these days!
I hope it wasn’t just you and your little one who learnt something from this… I hope the other mother and child also learnt from your example.
.-= katepickle´s last blog ..Tomorrow They are Six. =-.
Powerful lesson in relationship management – being ‘right’ doesn’t always lead to long term relationships.
I was reading in anticipation of your chat with your daughter to debrief? Will there be a “part 2″?
You did the right thing, you can’t do more than that. At least you know Miss 3 will be quite fine at Kindy next year.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Are you a helicopter mum or a coffee mum? =-.
I agree with Kate , most mothers would have ignored it .
Both children will learn a lesson…the other mother will hopefully warn her child next time too.
I digress to warn … I went down one of those play centre slides and I skinned both of my elbows (it really hurt and still does).Long sleeves or keep your elbows up.
I took a look from the top of one it was scary as and here was I encouraging my little boys to go down.
.-= Trish´s last blog ..Melting into summer ~ don’t be a victim =-.