Sibling Love
I grew up with one sister. There were times during our childhood when we were close, and I have many fond memories. But, there were also times when sibling rivalry put us on opposing teams. Of course, we both grew up eventually, and these days my sister is one of my closest friends. She’s a fabulous aunty and I’m so blessed to have her in my life. (Sis if you’re reading this stop sniffling…)
I would dearly love for my children to be friends when they grow up. I would love them to be there for each other. I would love them to have each other’s number on speed dial! My question is… what can I do as a mother to foster a healthy relationship between them? And I’m also wondering, is sibling rivalry just par for the course, or can it be avoided?
I pounce on those special moments when I see one child being especially kind or thoughtful to the other. My son, thought not yet even 2, is so generous and kind hearted. If he gets his own drinkbottle, he’ll get his sister’s too and take it over to her. He’ll even share his favourite foods with her! And my big girl is learning to be so encouraging with her words when she sees her brother successfully attempting something. Those moments are worth taking the time to praise because they are about building character.
In some ways I think competition is inevitable, and it isn’t necessarily bad. Rather than trying to avoid competitiveness between my kids, I am instead training them in how to deal with it. For example, there is a simple spotting game we play in the car. Using that simple game (which both kids are good at!) I have the opportunity to model winning and losing behaviour. When we win, we don’t boast about it. When we lose, we don’t let it get us down and we are really happy for the person who won.
I’d love to hear from you on this one. Are you friends with your adult siblings? What do you do in your home with your own children to promote sibling love, rather than sibling rivalry? If you have older kids I’d especially love your thoughts on what you have tried, and how successful it has been.
PS – if you happen to have a sister who is a great aunty to your kids, make sure you make some fuss of her on Savvy Auntie Day, 25th July.
hmm a tricky one. Im close with my younger sister and dont speak to my older one. The best thing you can do is model the behaviour you want your children to have by keeping your relationship strong with your sister. My father does not talk to half of his siblings and I use that as an excuse not to talk to mine. He is one of ten.
My kids get on really well we always talk about feelings and how would you feel kinda sentence starters. They help each other. They give each other a kiss and cuddle good night and when one is hurt or sad they are there for each other.
I’m an only child, so when I had children, the whole ‘sibling relationship’ thing was new to me. I know of adults who have fantastic bonds with their siblings, and I know of those who don’t. I have always hoped for my children to have a ‘sibling love’ that will carry into adulthood. For that to happen, I encourage their special bonds with each other now and talk about the importance of family. Some rivalry is bound to happen – and does. When it does, we discuss it, talk about how we each have different talents, offer forgiveness if needed and give lots of hugs.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. I was one of four and remember lots of moments of co-operation and caring and lots of moments of conflict, now as adults we are all very, very different people but all love and respect each other and are there for each other in moments of crisis.
.-= Christie – Childhood 101´s last blog ..Making Our Own Fun… =-.
Like Christie, I’m one of four. I too can remember having great fun with my brothers and the odd tiff (my sister is 9 years younger than me & unfortunately I don’t have a lot of memories of playing together). We’re all reasonably close now.
I see the same patterns in my own three kids – moments of great camaraderie interspersed with moments of out and out war. Sometimes I think the old “three’s a crowd” adage is quite true. I think it’s important to remember that while they are family, they are each individuals with their own personalities and likes/dislikes. It’s important to focus on the individual sometimes as well as the group.
I feel all warm & fuzzy when they show consideration & love for one another. I try to ensure every time I see this behaviour that I make positive comments to try to encourage more of it!
.-= Leanne´s last blog ..Buchan Caves =-.
My brother and I have very little in common, we played together as children and are very fond of each other now, however we just don’t have that much to talk about. He is into fishing, beer, his dog, cars and lots of bloke things that I just have no idea how to talk about. We don’t see each other very frequently so when we do there is lots of ‘what have you been doing’ things to catch up on.
My brother and I only used to see each other when mum and dad initiated a family get-together. He is over 3 years younger than me, is loud and outgoing and lives to have fun. I’m sure he considers me the most boring sister on the planet. Two things have brought us closer together over the past couple of years – 1) my children – he loves being an uncle and 2) him being very ill with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I still wouldn’t say we are close, but we definitely make more effort to see each other these days. I find him hard to talk to and he is intensely private about personal things (hence talking about his cancer battle is still a no-go zone), but I have realised I can do practical things to strengthen our relationship- asking him on outings with us to spend time with the kids, cooking meals for him and his wife and praying for them are probably the most important ones.
My children are still young enough that they are each other’s best friends (they don’t really spend much time apart from each other!). I think as they get older, prioritising a family time together, over dinner each night as well as a specified evening or day, avoiding activities that isolate them from each other (e.g. each having own TVs/ computers/ independent activities) and modelling our own priority on family relationships is important. I’m sure though that the closer the sibling relationship, in some cases, the more fighting that occurs.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..We Play =-.
Man, you make me cry all the time! I never realised how much I’d enjoy being an aunty.
I think sibling relationships are like any friendship – if you cherish them and appreciate them, you’ll put in the hard work. Part of it is understanding your differences and the similarities. But I do think there’ll be a time when they don’t like each other. And I’ll have a spare bedroom waiting!!
Love you! xx
I think the biggest thing that works here is catching them out when they’re lovely to each other, and really praising them for it.
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..Flowers are red =-.
Oh interesting question on sibling rivalry….
I have an older brother who tortured me as a child and as adults we are not at all close.
My girls are closer than close, in a way I (not being a twin) will never understand… yet they still compete and fight and dislike things about each other. So I kind of think that stuff must be somewhat normal in any sibling relationship?
Perhaps the key is helping our kids build a relationship where they can disagree and fight and still know they will be loved and cherished by their siblings???
.-= katepickle´s last blog ..Baby Things. =-.
I would say my brother and I are close. We were really close as kids (which probably comes from being the only kids that both spoke english while we were growing up).
Things changed when we were a little older – we have really differnt interests so probably wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t siblings. But becasue of our shared history I think we’ll always be close (I hope so, anyway)
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Early Childhood Fun =-.
I have two sisters. I am best friends with one and a mere acquaintance with the other. Both live very far from me, so distance is not the factor in the different relationships.
Personalities either “click” or not, I believe.
We made a conscious decision to keep Miss M (now 3.9) at home rather than putting her in pre-prep. She can attend next year when she is four. It was just so much more important for us to encourage a good friendship/sibling relationship between our two girls before their years of schooling when they will spend much of their time apart. They have a great time together now and think the world of each other. I hope and pray this continues : )
.-= Amanda – Busy Brissy Mum´s last blog ..Busy Brissy Birthday Giveaway – Week 3 =-.
PS…..they have their down times too : (
.-= Amanda – Busy Brissy Mum´s last blog ..Busy Brissy Birthday Giveaway – Week 3 =-.
was just having this conversation with husband last night wondering if our two would be friends as they grew up through teens and into adulthood or would gender get in the way? Like you we have a girl then a boy and they are about 2 years apart. Will be interesting to watch. Hope they will be good friends/there for each other (and do all we can to foster this now) but maybe another thing is hoping that they both find partners that also get on with each others sib. If you can’t have a sister/brother then at least an in-law would be nice in adulthood. Love being an Aunty too
I can’t stand my sister, we’ve never gotten on. I think a lot of it is personality, I was also the odd one out while she and my brother played together.
My two currently adore each other and I really hope it continues. We’re like you – always jump on anything good and comment on it. We also try to give them both one on one time, because I think too much togetherness could be counter-productive.
.-= Deb´s last blog ..Happy Solstice! =-.
I am the youngest of 5 and have 5 sons of my own. I am close to my 2 sisters and while I don’t see my 2 brothers often we get along well when we get together.
As for my own children we have always tried to make them remember that they belong to the “Taylors”. Family comes first and as a “Taylor” you have a repsonsiblity to your family. Family will still be there long after friends have moved on.
I am friends with my adult brother. My brother and I were close growing up probably partly because we moved quite regularly, he was the only one who had shared some of the same experiences (not many others I could have played removalists with). We stayed close during the teenage years possibly because we had many of the same friends and still do for that matter.
I think that doing things together as a family is one key. Mum, Dad, my brother and I holidayed together even when we were teenagers. At the time I can remember sometimes being envious of friends who didn’t do as many things as a family but mostly I liked having a close family. My brother and I have even holidayed together since we have both been married.
Sometimes I think I would be closer to a sister than my brother and at times I have really wished I had a sister, not that I would not want my brother. I just think sisters can have a very special bond. I also have a daughter and a son and struggled with not having more children so my 2 might have a sibling of the same gender.
Well, you know us… As kids we had our ups & downs for sure! (You were there for some of those). As adults we get along well when we’re together, but that’s not that often. (He’s terrible at returning phone calls & keeping in touch just for the sake of it, but that seems to be not that uncommon).
I don’t know what the secret is.. I’m not even sure there is a secret.
For us as army kids, we moved around a bit too. Maybe that had a bit to do with it – one constant, we were both in it together?
We both also went to scouts, but had different friendship groups within that group so we were experiencing the same things but from a different perspective. And we took family holidays up until I was 14, so I guess by default we spent quite a bit of time together. Having said that, we also spent quite a bit of time apart – different sports, friendship groups and interests. We weren’t always besties, but after that teenage period where you’re too busy trying to understand yourself, it’s a LOT easier!