Playing Ladies
When I was a little girl I loved watching my mum dress up. I still remember watching her paint her nails and smelling her perfume. Now that I’m a mum with a daughter of my own, the cycle goes on. Last week I dressed up for a hats and heels morning tea with my MOPS group.
My three year old’s eyes were wide as she surveyed my red toenails, and tried on my shoes. But oh the look on her face when I added a feathery fascinator to my outfit! “Mummy, please can I wear feathers too?” How could I say no?!! We found some pink and purple feathers in the craft box and I tucked them into her ponytail.
If you ask me, there’s nothing wrong with little girls wanting to “play ladies” every now and then. It’s good for their self esteem and helps them start to develop their own sense of style. I’m happy for my daughter to try on my shoes and accessories. At home. In a healthy, play kind of way.
What I’m not happy about is the play becoming real too early. As I watched my three year old clomp around in my heels I was reminded of another little three year old I’ve seen around the place lately. Suri Cruise has been all over the glossies recently as a little fashionista complete with peeptoes and a latte cup. Girl With A Satchel shared her thoughts on the issue last week from a journalist’s perspective (check out her post for the cover pic I’m talking about). I thought it was worth sharing my thoughts here from a mothering perspective.
Don’t we want our little girls to stay little girls for as long as possible? Three is still very, very young. We’re talking about children who haven’t even started school yet. In my opinion as a mother and primary school teacher, here is what I personally think is ok for little girls:
- playing with dress ups – male and female clothes and accessories
- playing ladies with Mummy or an Aunty – carefully trying on beads and shoes just for a little turn
- wearing nice clothes for nice occasions and round-the-house clothes for play
- wearing practical shoes that support little feet and growing bodies
- having a no-colour lip balm for special days
- having special hair clips and ribbons – this is age appropriate bling!
- having a milkshake when Mum has a latte
Of course, I can’t tell you what’s right for you as you raise your daughter. I can only share my own opinion. But can I encourage you to think about where you will draw the line with your little girl? Otherwise we will all have “teenagers” on our hands long before they reach puberty, and we just might miss out on one of the loveliest stages of raising daughters.
I totally agree with you here. My eldest daughter was teased by some of her school friends already last year for wearing ‘kids’ clothes to the local PYC for heavens sake. My husband and I were both quite shocked to see these small girls (its a primary school police youth club dance)dressed up to be little replica’s of their mothers, instead of going out to a fun kids dance. They had shocking clothes on, make up piled on..high heels..they looked like street workers not beautiful little girls getting to meet their friends at night to dance and giggle and have fun..like they should be doing. Not only were these young girls dressed inappropriately in my opinion..it was also these same girls, who were the ones who were being mean and hurtful to not only other girls, but boys too who had gone along to have some fun with their friends. They called them babies and teased their clothes choices..seems that more than just not looking good goes with not dressing your age..and if those girls (and some boys) are like this now at 10years of age..what will they be like in 5 years?? I think its sad mostly..as their mothers and fathers seem to think its ok for them to dress like that and treat others like that. Modesty might not be as ‘glamorous’ as what they think they are wearing..but it seems to come with a better mindset as well and manners. Such a shame..there are some beautiful little girls out there missing out on the best fun part of their life so their parents can feel they are keeping them ‘chic’ or whatever..what will they have to look forward to when they ARE 15 or 16?? They are doing it all now. There is a reason I am the parent and they are the child..they might want to wear things like that as thats what they see on tele..but its my job to teach my children that thats just television..real, nice people..dont dress or act like that.
Great post Cath. We all complain about the stereotypes set by hollywood and the media, but then encourage them in the children around us. I think my general hate is that looks are held in greater esteem that all other attributes of a person. How many of us have told a little girl that she’s beautiful or pretty? I think we should be just as equally encouraging them for being smart or kind.
We were discussing this very thing at my Mother’s Group on Monday. One of the girl’s (5yo) had on eye shadow. I am of the opinion that 5 is way too young to be wearing make-up because they want to wear make-up (possibly ok for playing dress-ups at home??). The only other mother of a daughter who was there said she didn’t think there was a problem and that her 4yo is asking for a bra top thing that all little girls are wearing now.
‘Thank goodness I only have sons’ was all I could think to myself!!
This is a topic close to my heart. My three year old asked me if she could wear some of my make-up the other day when I was in the bathroom. She said she wanted to look pretty. I could feel my heart creaking. I sat her down and had a long talk with her about how makeup is used for lots of reasons, for some people to cover up scars, for mummy’s who look a bit tired, for people on tv to make them standout, but makeup is never used to make someone pretty. Sigh, it just starts too early.
Oh it’s a hard line to walk this one… as mum to two almost 6 year old girls I’m finding it harder and harder to buy clothes that I feel are appropriate and not ‘over sexualising’ my children. Since when do the Veronica’s make a clothing line in size 6? Why do my girl’s track pants need to have ‘little devil’ written across the bottom? why do t-hirts have to say ‘heart breaker’ or ‘lock up your sons’??
On the other hand my girls LOVE to dress-up. They were allowed to buy a pair of sparkly shoes to wear to a party recently and they are totally in love. They loved to walk around in their Nanny’s high heels (so does the boy!) and they’ve just discovered the joy of nail polish and lip gloss.
I don’t think my girls need to wear make-up at age 6, I don’t think they need to have their own make-up, real or pretend. But I am ok with Nanny putting a bit of eye shadow on them when she is putting some on herself and I’ve come to terms with them wearing a full face of over the top make-up (including never come off bright red lipstick!) for their dance concerts as to me this is appropriate special occasion use for make-up at this age.
But where and how to draw the line between what is fun, imitation, exploration and age appropriate and what is over the top, over sexualising our children and not for us is not always easy.
wow. I came here thinking I’d have nothing to add because Erin’s only two and a half, but thinking about it.
I’ve seen little bra tops for toddlers and remember a couple of years ago that Target in the US was called out for having a range of children’s underwear that included a g-string! Before we left for Sydney I saw heels in the shoe section at Big W for kids! It’s really appalling!
For my daughter, I do do things like put a little lip balm on her when I’m getting dressed (mostly it goes on her teeth lol), it’s just on way she wants to do the things I do so no biggie. Otherwise I agree with you, childhood is so short to start with without stealing it away.
Ps. This is why Bratz are band in our house.
Just wanted to comment about the latte cup Suri Cruise was photographed holding…
Has anyone actually thought it could have been a simple babycino??
All it is, is frothy milk with dusted chocolate on top..
@meaghan
Yes, I do agree that she’s probably not actually drinking a latte! I’d guess that it’s either a babycino or a just a milkshake in the styrene cup. But strolling down the street with it in her hand all adds to the grown-up image, doesn’t it?
Well I have 2 boys and I’m relieved about that right now!! I do agree with you though Cath and also with the comments about over-sexualising our children.
Great post
Great post, Cath, on a subject I feel strongly about, being Mum to two girls. I agree with your points – I think dress ups and a little bit of makeup is OK for play at home and occasionally for a special occasion (and only ever a tiny bit) but not as a general rule. It worries me when I see my six year old dress up and want to wear a short skirt or an off the shoulder top because it makes her look pretty, so I explain to her that that is how some grown-ups dress but Mummy doesn’t dress like that and I don’t think it looks nice and anyway it’s not for little girls. But I remember as a little girl and young adult always wanting to look older and do more grown up things so I think it is natural.
Its hard when you’re shopping though – age appropriate clothes get harder to find as they get older. I have started buying G size 7 but in Target at least that takes us into the bigger girls range which means lots of black and hot pants and short skirts. Thankfully she mostly still wants to wear pink frilly things but it can be hard to even find that stuff for her age.
I loved reading all your comments, so refreshing and I agree there’s nothing more fun than the kids playing dress ups but I’m afraid I’m the clothes police and I’m sure my girls (8, 10) think I’m the ‘world’s strictest parent’ but that’s fine by me. Unfortunately it often means I am buying their clothes at more expensive places as these still cater for little girls – which is what they are. As you said Amanda they are often little replicas but you’ve got to wonder of whom? I’m afraid I don’t have friends who wear black crop tops and skinny jeans or trackies with suggestive words on the bum. So why should our children. I also had the same argument with my girls dance teacher over their costumes to the point where we left and went elsewhere. I’m sorry but they will not be dancing on stage in the mall looking like Britney at her worst. No sir, not on your life. Gee glad I got that off my chest, thanks Cath
Super post, Cath, raising very important issues.
My 13 year old niece is overweight (largely due to medication for health issues related to a brain injury sustained in a car accident at the age of 4), I have struggled her whole life to find appropriate clothing for her, from a little girl through to pre-teen, as she has always had to have larger sizes I feel the styles have been too adult for each stage of her development.
Thank you Super Sarah for your comments about make up. Immy sees me apply make up most days (I have worn make up virtually every day since I was a young teen as I have always been terribly unhappy with my skin) and she like to stand beside me and pretend that she is applying ‘cream,’ mimicking what I do. I found your comments really helpful as I know the same question will come out of her mouth before too long.
One day my girl (3 yo at the time) watched me put makeup on for work. She asked,’why are you doing colouring on your face, mummy?’
I let my 3 year old daughter put on play skin colour nail polish and pink strawberry lip balm and sometimes a bit of hideous eye shadow. All in fun. Mr 1 also has a turn. As for the clothing I have gone as far as speaking to the manager of our local target store to order in some more sun safe dresses with capped sleves. I refuse to buy anything with attitude across the front. I was sad when miss 3 no longer fitted into the 0000-2 sizes. Now looking at the larger sizes for boys they are not tarty but tough. Why does my son have to be a brut, Whats wrong with some cars and animal. He is a big one year old and he already has been gived a shirt that says ‘Incredible Hunk’. It is in the back of the cupboard never to be worn.
I agree in general, my girls love putting makeup on, I don’t wear it myself so it’s just another game to them. And we buy as many clothes in the boy’s section as the girl’s.
However I do feel a bit sorry for Suri. People wait for her with cameras and shape the image we have of her. If that was my girls one day they might be in pink frilly dresses and handbags, and the next it could be navy trackies and boots. We are only shown a tiny snippet of her life.
@Deb
I have to agree that I do feel a little sorry for Suri too. She’s just a kid, and really – she isn’t the one making the decisions we’re talking about. And you’re right, the media show us the images they choose. It’s never a complete picture of what is happening.
What I have been thinking about is that we really can’t compare our daughters to Suri Cruise because no matter how many games of Go Fish she may play, she will never have the same kind of normal life that some of our girls have. She has her own version of normal. I think the thing that I take away from Suri Cruise is actually really positive. I don’t give a rat’s pattootie what she is wearing or the kind of cup she carries…what I see is a child who is very confident in the face of chaos. I lived 20 years in Los Angeles before moving to Melbourne and I have seen the paparazzi in action. They are scary, abundant, loud and erratic. The fact that she waves to them and skips and plays and sometimes has a normal kid tantrum in front of them tells me that she is a pretty well adjusted kid for her kind of normal.
I want to raise confident girls…no matter what they choose to wear.
I totally agree Cath. Just yesterday by oldest daughter (5 years old) was playing dress ups with her friend. I was amazed (and a little stunned) by what she came out wearing though. She’d put on a pink leotard and her little sister’s skirt which was basically a mini skirt on her long 5 year old legs, and heels. The ensemble was very colour coordinated but so grown up and sexy! I quietly told her that the clothes were a little bit too grown up and not very modest (a word we’ve been learning about lately) and maybe she could find something else to wear, which she was fine with. What I was sad about though, was that she was thinking that it was okay to dress that way… We don’t let her watch grown up TV and I don’t dress that way but somewhere she’s got that message… scary hey!
Hi, yes it may add to the grown up image but really to me its just a cup.
Maybe it was a treat for her or something similar but a cup is a cup.
Would it have caused a stir if it were a normal toddlers plastic cup?
I dont think so.
But because its a Starbucks cup everyone is talking about it.
My 3 year old loves babycinos and when I grab my coffee, I get a babycino for her too.
No big deal, dont stress the small stuff.
The only time I have seen Suri Cruise step out in public and shuddered to myself was when she was wearing little peeptoe heels which I think you mentioned. That is overboard to me.
But honestly, it was just a Starbucks cup.. If people are worried about that they need a life!
Start worrying when its a Vodka bottle shes holding…
Meaghan.:)
Wow Cath, what a controversial topic! It’s one I find myself a little torn over. On the one hand, I will not buy my daughter, who is 6, anything that is reomtely grown up or suggestive, bra tops are absolutely banned and make up is not to be worn out of the house. On the other hand, she has some very frilly, glamorous dress ups, started enjoying wearing necklaces and ‘bling’ at around 12 months and putting make up on herself (and anyone who will sit still long enough) is one of her favourite things to do. She loves it and I remember loving it as a child. I think the problem arises when children link their self worth and sense of self with how they present themselves and what they wear, and this goes for boys and girls. At the same time, it’s perfectly normal for pre-school aged boys and girls to experiment, imagine and try to represent their gender through play. I just try to follow my instincts, but I think my days of saying “you’re not going out looking like that” have only just begun!
I’m so glad I’ve got boys!